Sunday, June 28, 2009

6/26/09 Flat Tire = Big Money

Back to my 12 hour Friday for one week. Morning guy got a flat tire and couldn't work. Pretty slow in the morning but business picked up at dinner time. Whole lotta random, just like every Friday:

  • Empty cheese boxs make great delivery boxs when you have too much stuff for a bag, and you work at a shop that dosen't have big order carriers.
  • I hate trains... Period. Especially when there is no way around them.
  • I almost had a situation with ducks. Last year my fiancee got bit by a duck, so I fear them now. Anyway a "gaggle" I guess the little bastards are called, was in the drive way I delivered to and they weren't gonna move for me. I tried to walk up to them and one of them quacked. I said fuck this and went through the yard.
  • I hate trains.
  • Old people love fish, and they will get violent over it.
  • Our Shop Vac died, I gave it a memorial:

That about sums up the night totals: 48 deliveries 135 bucks

Friday, June 26, 2009

6/25/09 Short

I give up trying to come up with stuff to write about my 4 hour Thursday morning shift. All I got is that I hate when people talk too fast on the phone and I can't write their order down... Not much entertainment in that.

So instead I'll treat you to a story from my past at Fox's. It's the story of the time I almost quit because I seen the most disgusting thing I've ever laid eyes upon.

It was a Monday night, I was in full swing delivery wise. And then I got an order to a house I'd never been to before, I didn't think anything of it. I got to the house, it was a normal house albeit a little shitty. I walked up to the door hit the bell and waited. After a few seconds a voice from upstairs bellowed "just a minute", so I waited. I heard movement, faint at first but growing louder in a cadence of slow, uneven movement.

Suddenly a figure appeared at the top of the stairs. It was gigantic. I then realized it was a woman. She was probably around 60 and weighed about 400lbs. It was at this point I realized something was horribly wrong... And that was that that she was in nothing more than her bra and underwear...

Sometimes the phrase "I just threw up in my mouth" is overused, but literally vomit was in my mouth and then it seen her, said "fuck this" and went back to my stomach. I went back to Fox's and told my boss that I may be putting my two weeks in because I couldn't handle what I had seen. But in the end I stayed. Oh yea back to Thursday:

Totals: 9 deliveries 30 bucks

Delivery Mix

I figured I'd try something on here, I'm gonna post the play list of one of my favorite mix's I use for delivering. This is a cool mix cause it's not just a bunch of songs, when put together It helps create a mood. I like to listen to it at night when I'm driving alone, which is why it's the Late Night Driving Mix.

1. The Eels - Novocaine For The Soul
2. Fastball - Out of my Head
3. The Bravery - Intro/Linkin Park - Leave Out All The Rest (I put the songs together)
4. Shiny Toy Guns - Major Tom (Coming Home)
5. OK GO - 1000 Miles Per Hour
6. The Gorillaz - Fire Coming Out Of The Monkey's Head
7. Muse - Shrinking Universe
8. Cake - Friend Is A Four Letter Word
9. Incubus - Warning
10. The Killers - All These Things I Have Done
11. The Beatles - Happiness Is A Warm Gun*
12. Interpol - Last Exit
13. The Flaming Lips - The W.A.N.D.
14. The Postal Service - Such Great Heights
15. Red Hot Chili Peppers - My Friends
16. Donovan - Hurdy Gurdy Man*
17. Modest Mouse - Satin In A Coffin
18. Yeah Yeah Yeahs - Maps
19. Teddybears feat Iggy Pop - Punkrocker
20. The Eels - Last Stop, This Town

*Hidden Tracks (tracks inserted after song but on same track)
11. Tool - Die Eier Von Satan
16. Chiodos - Prelude

Obviously I used audio editing software to customize this mix (I use Adobe Audition), so to truly create the same mix just follow what I have up there and bingo! I love this mix because it's calm but creepy all at the same time, which is usually how I feel when driving around at night.

I'd like to make this a regular thing cause I love music and it's always been a huge part of my delivering. So expect more mix's in the future.

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

6/23/09 Clunker

If I were a quarterback, id be at a press conference telling everyone I was off my game today. And I promise to step it up next game. Well i'm not but I still stunk it up with rookie mistakes and other bullshit! Here's some of the things I did wrong:

  • I was consistently not paying attention and several times drove by my deliveries. I HATE DOING THAT MORE THAN ANYTHING!
  • I don't look at my slips when I deliver because I have all the addresses memorized, don't be amazed its pretty easy in a small town. Anyway so I look before I leave and that's it. This usually isn't a problem but it was tonight. I got to a fork in the road and my mind went blank... Of course I turned the wrong way. As soon as I did the address popped into my head.
  • I forgot to get gas before my shift so I had to break one of my cardinal rules, no gassing up on the job.
  • I couldn't focus on delivering cause my mind was elsewhere
That last one is why all that happened, I've got a lot going on in my life. I'm not getting into it on here, another rule don't mix pizza and life, but it lead me to a realization. I need a stress reliever, something to get away from life. And that thing is Golf. I've always wanted to play and I think I'm gonna ask my uncle to teach me. Today was pretty random:

  • I decided I will before I leave take a delivery on horseback. I've also said this about Segways and monster trucks.
  • I had a lot of things annoy me today, I yelled in my car quite a bit.
  • I was a cook for my 11-1 shift, I like it but I always get a reality check when I think I can do both with equal skill. I suck at cutting hoagie buns.
Totals: 23 deliveries 61 bucks

6/22/09 Jinglers

First off, after reading Pizza Girl's tweets and the blogs the other day I gotta say I wanna meet her boss and tell him about a very novel concept. Up here when it comes to dishes we have a simple solution: you dirty it, you wash it. EVERYONE washes dishes, it's not just a specific job for delivery people. Of course we have only a couple workers per shift and the delivery people and cooks usually help each other out, so it's expected of me.

Tonight started weird. I walked in at 2 so my boss could leave to go to the casino (whoo cooking hours). And he says "Jinglers are down, gonna be a slow night". Translation: No phones = no orders. If we were a sit down restaurant this would be no problem. Instead we're a takeout/delivery business... So we were screwed. Finally an hour and a half later the phones were back up and we chugged along for a pretty busy night.

I figure i'll reveal one of my favorite tip getting techniques to anyone who was badly trained, cause every delivery person should do this. When your at a house, say the order comes to 14.56, and you get handed a $20. You should give a $5 and the change back, but that screws you out of a potential tip. Instead give 5 ones and then fumble around for loose change, in the hopes that random joe customer gets impatient and gives you at least the change. It's worked for me very well over the last 4 years, speaking of which Monday is my 4th year anniversary of working at Fox's!

Totals: 22 deliveries 65 bucks

Monday, June 22, 2009

6/21/09 Sometimes They Write Themselves

Off I go on my second delivery of the night. I get to the house, say my hellos, hand off the pie (in this case a big daddy and a dozen hot wings), and ask for 21.98. To which I get handed a $100 bill. Now if I had been given warning that Benjamin Franklin was going to be busted out I would have had change, but no, I'm expected to figure this out myself.

In my four years of delivering I've realized one thing about these type of people: They believe my bag has magical powers capable of breaking any bill at any time. Sorry David Copperfield, if only it worked that way. Instead I start out with $20 in change and go from there. Of course now I've lost my tip, because I can't conjure up $75. The more I think about it the more I realize they're the same people who think the internet is a series of tubes.

I love delivering, I do. But stupid people piss me off. That's going to be a recurring theme in this blog.

My first delivering this night was very special though. My dad is very easy to please, he loves food and not much else besides the Steelers and Deadliest Catch. When I came in at 3 I got started making his two favorite Fox's foods. A medium thin and crispy pizza with sausage, and a dozen butter garlic wings. He had no clue I was coming and it was definatly my favorite Father's Day present i've ever gotten him!

Anyway, I also got a chance to show off my food safety skills today. We cook our wings in a deep fryer for 15 minutes, which is actually overcooking but it covers our asses. Of course the key is to remember when you put the wings in, which I never do. To fix this I got a thermometer so I can read the internal cooking temp of the wings. Poultry is considered safe once it's internal temp is kept at 165 F for at least 15 seconds. So knowing this I was checkin' chicken all day and not worrying about the clock. I figured for all the money my boss paid to get me that certification, this is the least I can do in return.

Ok, Final totals: 17 deliveries 41 bucks

Happy Father's Day!

Sunday, June 21, 2009

6/20/09 Boring Night

I don't even know if this night is worth writing about, but here goes. We work in a pretty casual environment, so slow nights are not that bad because we usually have interesting chats. None of which I can talk about, but it's a good time.

Anyway one thing I do love about delivering on slow nights is when I get a long distance delivery. I love being able to just cruise and take my time on the way back when I know there is nothing waiting for me back at the shop.

Finals: 13 for 33 bucks.

6/19/09 Fishy Friday

First off let me just say that Friday is usually my most stressful day. Not because of the deliveries, no it's the annoying people that come pick up there food and say stupid shit. Perfect example: A lady orders two fish frys, lets call her random moron #612. Now moron 612 comes in to get her fish and when no one can wait on her because we're busy she gets all pissy and announces "Will someone just give me my fish since it's just sitting there getting cold!" So I grabbed it took it to her and said have a good night. To which she replied "I won't with my cold fish". Now unbenkownst to her my boss's mom was behind her and she wasn't going to let her get away. Lets just say the smack was laid down!

It was a pretty slow Friday but it had it's fair share of unique moments. I had a couple of firsts actually!

  • I delivered to a guy who was using his wife's purse to get money. When he didn't have any small bills he knew he had ones in his pocket. So he hands me the purse gets a couple bucks out of his pants, says goodnight, and goes in his house leaving me with his wife's purse. About 1.5 seconds later he came running back out and got the purse. I said "That would of been one hell of a tip!" and went on my way.
  • I delivered to my first registered sex offender tonight. He told me to tell whoever took his order "hi" which creeped me right out.
I ended up with 90 bucks on 36 deliveries, not a good night at all. A lot of deliveries with nothing in return.

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Boring Night 6/16/09

Nothing much happened tonight. Just a normal night of delivery, sigh. I gotta tell my customers to step it up on doing weird shit worth blogging. A couple of notes though:

  • It annoys me when people buy food for there pets, not because they bought food for there pet but because there going to feed them a greasy hamburger.
  • A man came in who looked just like Bum Phillips.
  • Speaking of look-a-likes, we have a regular who acts, talks, and looks like Yosemite Sam!
  • Forgetting peoples pop is not a rookie mistake, I've made a career of it.
  • Delivering to people who are painting in a poorly ventilated room results in a $5 tip.
Now a couple of picture daily doubles:

1. I need to hurry up and make it to the 21st century and get an I-Pod... Oh wait I have a short and my lighter adapters don't work NEVERMIND! Back to the stone ages I go, haha.

2. I freakin' hate steps.

Monday, June 15, 2009

6/14/09 Mr. Fox's

I no longer wish to be referred to as a delivery boy. No, after today I am "Mr. Fox's".

So earlier in the week the head of the recreational soccer league called about getting pizzas for the weekend, they've done it before so we knew what to expect. It was the usual 2 Big Daddys every 2 hours until the end of the games. What made this year interesting was the quotation above.

As I dropped off the first shipment and headed back to my buggy, a lady came out of the concession stand and said the following "Hey! Hey you! Hey... Mr. Fox's! We need napkins the next time you come up!" Take THAT Jim Fox, I'M Mr. Fox now. Ok, not really. I got them there napkins (AKA free advertising) on the next load of pie and was disappointed to find out I was just a delivery boy again... Woe is me.

Back at the shop we had a strange moment today. A woman came in and it was pretty obvious she was somewhere between shitfaced and bombed up. She stumbled in a yells "give me a big one" referring to our 21 slice sheet style pizza the Big Daddy. We took her order and then she went outside and walked about 2 feet into a tree. Now when you go out the front door it's not like you walk into a forest, theirs one tree on the block and she hit it. So then her friend comes in to tell us that shes very tired and needs to get some sleep... Riiiiight.

Final tally: 16 deliveries 48 bucks

P.S. When comparing my tips to Pizza Girl's it's pretty obvious that our gender has a lot to do with the amount of tips. I mean you can argue that it's middle of PA versus a city in Texas. But i'm just saying she makes more than me on less deliveries. It's a theory i've stuck by for years and this is just further proving my point... That point being that most guys are stupid horny pigs.

Friday, June 12, 2009

6/12/09 Penguin Pie

Just finished my new and improved Friday, as in it's about 3 hours shorter. The boss decided we didn't need 2 guys on Friday mornings anymore, which is true. Anyway on to the night.

It started off with an hour and a half of zero deliveries. So I read Pizza Today magazine because I have never heard of Papa Murphy's, and now I wanna find one. So then I got my first one to a guy I refer to as 2 chicken fingers Larry because all he orders is 2 bags of chicken fingers. Got that done and then the rookie Jacob, the other delivery guy on Fridays, came in.

He's kinda like Hermey the elf that wanted to be a dentist in Rudolph in that he got hired to deliver but he prefers to cook. Which is fine by me cause I love to make money and he's willing to give me all the deliveries! So we get going, around 5 I send an update to twitter while traveling to a delivery saying that when the Pens/Red Wings play game 7 at 8, all hell is gonna break loose... And it did.

It wasn't horrible but it just happened, it all hit at once. Of course Friday has it's fair share of entertainment in the way of customers. We sell fish frys every week which brings in the old people by the ton. Nothing in life is more frustrating than a hard of hearing old lady who swears her fish, that literaly just came out of the deep fryer, is cold. Or when you deliver to a little old man who is sleeping on his porch and you get that quick thought in your head: "Is he dead?".

After all the geriatric get there food, then come the white trash. Wait, there's always white trash I live in PA... Johnsonburg has it's own unique group of people though. they live in a shack outside of town and if you've ever seen Wrong Turn they look like the people in that movie. Always an interesting delivery going there. All in all a good night though that capped off with another champion in Pittsburgh! Final tally 33 deliveries, $102 in tips.

Off till Sunday, tomorrow is my one Saturday off for the month which= massive drunkeness.

Thursday, June 11, 2009

6/11/09 Short Shift

I hate Thursdays, for the work I do and the tips I get... Most definitely not worth my time. It starts at 10:00 A.M. when I roll in and make sure the Fox's commissary guy dropped off the right stuff. Then I realize the safe is unlocked and I remember that com guy has sticky fingers. Luckily all is well this week.

I get the cheese cases, shells, sauce, toppings, and boxs put away. And since we ran out of dough balls, i pull out a few cases to thaw so hopefully we have enough to get through the weekend. So I finish that and then the counter people come in to open up the shop while I lay on the floor and hope my back feels better.

I ended up with 6 deliveries in 4 hours with a grand total of: ...10 bucks... It got the fiancee some Chinese food, I settled for a pizza hoagie and a bag of fries. I get to head back down after they close for the night to clean fryers, and then tomorrow is my 9 hour marathon delivery day.

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Day Off

It's my day off, so no updates from the road. But here's my favorite pic from all my years of delivering:

By the way, that is not my handwriting. My fiancee works with me and adds my slips up while I sweep, mop, etc. That is for real though.

Tuesday, June 9, 2009

Piece Of Shit Car. (The Love Of My Life)

I have a love/hate relationship with my vehicle. Most of the time I bitch about how it nickles and dimes me to death, but if I'm away from it for more than a day I feel lost, and kinda depressed. It's odd but buying this car was the best and worst move of my life.

Well for one I got screwed buying the damn thing, I'd love to go back in time and slap myself for being young and naive and getting stepped on by a dealer. But after all I got for free because of the warranty I guess it evened out. What I love is how it greatly improved my ability to ship pie.

I had a 2000 Pontiac Grand Am GT, great in the summer... Not all that great in the winter... Ok, it was horrible. I'll save how I got rid of that car for another story time. Anyway I got my new car and it made winter delivery problems a thing of the past, and mudding a new possibility!

Ahhh, my 2001 Chevy Blazer. Sadly the only pic I have handy is that. Now I wanna go for a ride.

P.S. While i'm posting pics, here are my children that I take care of once a week:

One Of Those Nights 6/9/09

First off, this idea took off quick haha. Thanks for the shout out Pizza Girl. I'll make an attempt to at least equal the entertainment value of your blog.

Now on to night one of this social experiment.

Wow! What a night to start posting about my deliveries! 29 deliveries and including delivery charges ($1.00 per delivery) I cashed out a sweet $106! Every once in a while I get a night where I feel like people are paying me to leave them alone with all the money they're tossing at me. Average for the night (Tips - Delivery Charges / Deliveries) comes to around 2.66 per delivery. Not too shabby!

Now, time for a little Pennsyltucky language lesson: Boogin

A boogin is, for lack of a better term: a complete moron, asshole, or just someone that dosen't bathe. It's the local language for cheap, lazy, smelly people.

So right off the bat my boss hits me with his trademark humor, one of our favorite boogins ordered before my shift so he took the order and wrote my last name on it and said "the wife ordered". Of course when I looked at the address I realized he was full of shit and on top of that I wasn't going to get a tip... Double wammy.

But after that it was all uphill, and then the penguins played and all hell broke loose. Thats the most basic description of my 7:00-9:30 deliveries, the rest is a blur. The only downfall of the night was the construction on one of the out of town roads we deliver to, I'm just gonna hope everyone out there picks up. But anyone who delivers knows how that works out. I was gonna stay after we closed to do some more cleaning before the inspector comes, but I'm too tired, maybe Thursday when I go to clean the fryers.

Well this has been fun, I hope to eventually work in a format like Pizza Girl's but I don't want it to be a rip-off so i'll see what I can come up with... Now back to working on my Wedding DJ business plan.


You wanna know what really sucks about pizza delivery?


The Non-Disgruntled Delivery Driver

So I was on Twitter this morning and seen a link posted by Pizza Today magazine:

and decided to create my own blog about delivery. The only difference is I actually like my job, for some odd reason, and want to give people an inside look at the delivery process in a small town.

So I'm delivering for a Fox's Pizza Den in Johnsonburg, PA. A little town most people have never heard of. It's a good job but what makes me like it is the atmosphere. It's a small town I deliver to the same people constantly, for example I recently got engaged and spent all day/night Friday getting congratulations from all the customers.

It still sucks at times. People will be assholes, My personal favorite is when I'm asked if the pizza is cold. It gets on my nerves but when I think I could be working in a factory or flipping burgers it brings me back to reality. I don't wear a uniform or have a big sign on my car. All I have is a shirt, that usually says "Have you had a good piece lately?" on it.

I'll have worked at Fox's for 4 years as of June 28th. I deliver, cook, clean deep fryers, answer phones, place commisary orders when needed, use my Serv-Safe certification to insure that we pass inspection, and do just about anything for money. Being in a small town is nice being that 9 times out of 10 theres only one delivery person so if I don't refer to another driver I was alone.

I think every time I work i'll update this blog with a posting about my night, or day. So stay tuned for future updates!